Pilkington; Right, ok. So, we went on this trek right. To...Machu Picchu. 4 days. In a tent.
Gervais; Right...
Merchant; And how do you feel about staying in tents Karl? I know you had an uncle who made you sleep in a rubber dinghy before, how does this compare?
Pilkington; .....er.....not that bothered really. I´d prefer to sleep in a house, but, like, when you´re asleep you´re not awake are you? So you don´t know where you´re sleeping.
Gervais; [HIGH PITCHED CACKLING LAUGHTER] When you´re asleep you don´t know where you are ahahahahahaha!
Merchant; so...you´re in a tent at night. you´re fine with that. what other potential problems did camping present to you Karl?
Pilkington; uuuuuuuuuuum....well....the outdoors.
Gervais; WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Pilkington; y´know like being outside.
Gervais; what the fuck do you mean you little round headed fool?
Pilkington; there´s rocks and stuff knockin´about. thats about it. just not that bothered really. rather stay at home.
Gervais; you´d rather stay at home? you went to Peru but you´d rather stay at home? they have one of the most diverse geographical landscapes of any country...the andes, the amazon, desert, a huge incredible ecosystem. what a twat.
Merchant; did you see any insects? listeners will of course know that Karl is particularly interested with insects.
Pilkington; uuuuuum....there was a dead moth in me shoe.
Gervais; ahahahahaha so you did a lot of hiking then!
Pilkington; well....but...like...I felt really sad. Because it´d obviously gone in there when I was like....not wearing them...then I put them on and killed it. So this hiking is dangerous.
Gervais; DANGEROUS! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Merchant; maybe it died of a heart attack, Rick.
Gervais; maybe it was the altitude.
Pilkington; but it is really high isnt it?
Gervais; it was a joke. get on with the fucking monkey news.
Pilkington; alright, so, the reason we did this one, this company, was because, like i say, not that bothered about the outdoors, and like, when you´re outdoors, you don´t get to eat food.
Gervais; Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean?
Pilkington; Like, there´s no electric is there? So you can´t get a good pie, or just pop down the shops for a twix or summit.
Gervais; oh my god what an idiot...
Merchant; no no let him finish rick, what´s your point Karl?
Pilkington; So this one we did, this hike, offered really good food. It had this good reputation for having the best food in the mountains. So me and Susanne were like, alright...
Gervais; Right.
Merchant; and how was the food, karl?
Pilkington; it was alright. Lots of fruit. Lots of bananas.
Gervais; ahahahahaha
Merchant: oooh ok. I see.
Gervais: hahahaha
Merchant: But it´s not a monkey thing surely? Because he´d have eaten them all.
Pilkington: and we had this banana on fire too.
Gervais: what do you mean a banana on fire?
Pilkington: this banana came out and it was on fire but it wasn´t burning. I don´t really understand.
Merchant: You mean a flambe?
Pilkington: maybe i dunno, it was just an unburnt banana on fire.
Gervais: What a little tit.
Pilkington: But like, this really good banana food kept coming out. And everyone in the group was like "can we see the chef and congratulate him?" and the guide was like "nah, best not bother him, he´s alright."
Merchant: Oh of course.
Pilkington: And we were like "but all this fruit´s so good, can we leave him a tip?" And they said "nah leave him. He´s shy. The little guy doesn´t like the attention."
Merchant; But again Karl, this couldn´t possibly be a monkey thing because you know that there are no monkeys in the Andes.
Pilkington: Yeah but, we didnt see him anyway. The whole time. Except when we went to bed, a little way away near the food tent, there was this hairy fella jumping around on some rocks.
Gervais; NO! NO! NO! You´re making it up! How did this monkey cook? How? You´re talking shit!
Pilkington: So anyway, we were on the bus on the way back from Machu Picchu, and this other couple said that early in the morning, before breakfast, they wanted some water.
Merchant: Right.
Pilkington;: So they´d gone to the food tent...
Gervais: Bullshit.
Pilkington: And there was a little monkey wearing a chefs hat knockin´about in there making scrambled egg.
Gervais: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Merchant: Again, Karl, you understand that a monkey could not cook scrambled eggs?
Gervais: And even if it could...you´re fussy about what you eat anyway...how would YOU feel about eating eggs prepared by a monkey? Which apparently has evolved to grow apposable thumbs.
Pilkington: They said it wore gloves and a hair net.
Gervais: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What, a full body hair net. You´re full of shit Karl! Shut up! Its bollocks!
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Friday, 21 August 2009
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Crossing the border and other stories
Following the theft of Steve´s beloved camera, we notified the bus conductor, whose response was the most apathetic shrug I´ve ever witnessed, though not at all surprising. The people at the bus company office were no help either. Upon our arrival at the small village of Vilcabamba in the south of Ecuador, we made our way to the local police station just to get a report for the insurance, anything in writing with a signature or stamp on it, but alas, twas not to be.
So, went for a 5 hour walk to a waterfall, saw some cows and some snakes and some birds of prey. Steve fell in the river. After Mexican food 3 days running, we tried "the best Italian food in Ecuador". Didn´t quite live up to expectations. Cost all of about 3 english pounds though.
Head off again on Monday morning, getting a small bus (bags on the roof!) to Loja where we got on a long distance bus that took us to Macara, over the border into Peru and left us in Piura. The border crossing was simple, though walking across the international bridge yielded more mosquito bites than the amazon rainforest did, and most importantly, our bus didn´t crash (I hear this is a fairly common thing in Peru). Arrived in Piura at around 10.00pm, got a "taxi" (in Peru anyone can stick a sign in their window and be a bus or taxi) who took us to a dark corner where a man mysteriously appeared to change our dollaros into soles, got a teensy bit ripped off but oh well, then took us to another bus station (more of a shed) where we waited in the hope that the 11.00pm bus to Lima actually existed. We were joined by an English guy from Coventry (who knew the Leicester Noodle Bar!) who bailed us out big time by lending us some cash for the bus ticket (in being ripped off by the money changer, we were now just a little bit short). The bus that turned up was a big thing, like the buses in Argentina, well worth the 20 quid for 16 hours of travel. Sleeep.
Woke up to see the Pacific Ocean out my window. Arrived in Lima, shared a taxi with Stefan from Germany, and spent a few nights in the Stop and Drop Hostel. Went to the beach. Didn´t go surfing or paragliding (will do that somewhere else). Did win lots of toy army men at the amusement arcades playing a basketball game. I didn´t think people could drive crazier than they do in Argentina, but Lima wins, hands down. Isn´t it great when a mundane activity such as a taxi ride can be really fun?
Got a 24 hour bus to Cusco. Had a briefing for our Machu Picchu trek. We´re at a pretty high altitude here, I get out of breath walking up the stairs. Climbing up a mountain to 4300 metres might be a bit tricky...
So, went for a 5 hour walk to a waterfall, saw some cows and some snakes and some birds of prey. Steve fell in the river. After Mexican food 3 days running, we tried "the best Italian food in Ecuador". Didn´t quite live up to expectations. Cost all of about 3 english pounds though.
Head off again on Monday morning, getting a small bus (bags on the roof!) to Loja where we got on a long distance bus that took us to Macara, over the border into Peru and left us in Piura. The border crossing was simple, though walking across the international bridge yielded more mosquito bites than the amazon rainforest did, and most importantly, our bus didn´t crash (I hear this is a fairly common thing in Peru). Arrived in Piura at around 10.00pm, got a "taxi" (in Peru anyone can stick a sign in their window and be a bus or taxi) who took us to a dark corner where a man mysteriously appeared to change our dollaros into soles, got a teensy bit ripped off but oh well, then took us to another bus station (more of a shed) where we waited in the hope that the 11.00pm bus to Lima actually existed. We were joined by an English guy from Coventry (who knew the Leicester Noodle Bar!) who bailed us out big time by lending us some cash for the bus ticket (in being ripped off by the money changer, we were now just a little bit short). The bus that turned up was a big thing, like the buses in Argentina, well worth the 20 quid for 16 hours of travel. Sleeep.
Woke up to see the Pacific Ocean out my window. Arrived in Lima, shared a taxi with Stefan from Germany, and spent a few nights in the Stop and Drop Hostel. Went to the beach. Didn´t go surfing or paragliding (will do that somewhere else). Did win lots of toy army men at the amusement arcades playing a basketball game. I didn´t think people could drive crazier than they do in Argentina, but Lima wins, hands down. Isn´t it great when a mundane activity such as a taxi ride can be really fun?
Got a 24 hour bus to Cusco. Had a briefing for our Machu Picchu trek. We´re at a pretty high altitude here, I get out of breath walking up the stairs. Climbing up a mountain to 4300 metres might be a bit tricky...
Sunday, 9 August 2009
photographique
NO PHOTOS BECAUSE STEVE´S CAMERA (and travel neck pillow) HAVE BEEN STOLEN!
that´s right, somewhere some ecuadorian thief is lounging around with a neck pillow and taking photos.
THE HUNT IS ON.
that´s right, somewhere some ecuadorian thief is lounging around with a neck pillow and taking photos.
THE HUNT IS ON.
Friday, 7 August 2009
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Ecuador
"you hear me? I´m not afraid anymore!" - Kevin McCallister (from the movie Home Alon (RIP John Hughes and Culkins career))
several rides in the back of pickup trucks at breakneck speed
Steve jumped down a waterfall (yes, THAT steve)
navigating the dangerous territory of bus stations
partying in Quito
canopying in Mindo
thwarting malaria at every corner
high altitude making stairs climbing increasingly difficult
the smallest bathroom door in the world
chocolate fondue
the night bus (as one lonely planet reader put it: "dont go on the night buses...thats when the bad guys do their bad things")
street kids proposing to steve they shine his shoes.
steve to street kids: "no. they´re suede."
and now the biggest challenge of all. The Ecuador-Peru border.
gulp
("you guys had enough, or are you thirsty for more?")
several rides in the back of pickup trucks at breakneck speed
Steve jumped down a waterfall (yes, THAT steve)
navigating the dangerous territory of bus stations
partying in Quito
canopying in Mindo
thwarting malaria at every corner
high altitude making stairs climbing increasingly difficult
the smallest bathroom door in the world
chocolate fondue
the night bus (as one lonely planet reader put it: "dont go on the night buses...thats when the bad guys do their bad things")
street kids proposing to steve they shine his shoes.
steve to street kids: "no. they´re suede."
and now the biggest challenge of all. The Ecuador-Peru border.
gulp
("you guys had enough, or are you thirsty for more?")
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Red Breasted Nun Bird
THE AMAZON RAINFOREST
So we got the night bus to Lago Agrio (y´know, the guerilla-hiding, drug smuggling border town that the Foreign Office strongly recommend against going to...they´re right, it´s a bit of a dump), waited there in the rain outside the uber-classy (not) Hotel D´Mario, making friends with Hungarians, Australians and Danish alike. A 2 and a half hour bus ride later and we arrive at the dock, get into our motor powered canoes and travel upriver 40 clicks (about 2 and a half hours again) to the lodge, deep in the Amazon Rainforest. What awaited us was a week of river swimming (for some of us anyway...not steve) canoe trips (sore arms), visits to the Shaman, night walks in the jungle, 3 hour treks wading through jungle swamps, fishing for pirahnas, sunset watching, bird watching, monkey frolicking, night caiman hunting, anaconda hunting, ant eating FUN.
Anacondas seen: 3
Pirahnas caught: Steve - 1 (red pirahna the most feared and critically respected of all the fish)
Monkeys seen; lots
caiman wrestled: more than you could shake a stick at
mosquito bites: gareth - 26 everyone else - slightly less
steve´s nosquitos trousers dont work
we saw other snakes too like the amazon tree boa, the snail eater and two types of sloth and macaws and toucans and PINK RIVER DOLPHINS UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL and an ELECTRIC EEL and a caiman RIGHT UNDER OUR SLEEPING HUT, several tarantulas above beds (christened Billy Bob), rice and soup EVERY FUCKING DAY GLORIOUS I SAY GLORIOUS, awesome guides, Luis: the Latino Dom Joly and Juan: eyes like a demon.
Friends made: lots
Rainstorms: one, got soaked
hammocks relaxed in: numerous
percentage of sadness upon leaving: 100
so we´re back in Quito. Heading to a place called Mindo tomorrow for rafting, biking and most important of all cloud forest canopying. Then the great journey south begins as we wave goodbye to master kitchener the first and make the jump from Ecuador to Peru.
"City hands mister Hooper. City hands. You´ve been counting money all your life."
CHAU!
So we got the night bus to Lago Agrio (y´know, the guerilla-hiding, drug smuggling border town that the Foreign Office strongly recommend against going to...they´re right, it´s a bit of a dump), waited there in the rain outside the uber-classy (not) Hotel D´Mario, making friends with Hungarians, Australians and Danish alike. A 2 and a half hour bus ride later and we arrive at the dock, get into our motor powered canoes and travel upriver 40 clicks (about 2 and a half hours again) to the lodge, deep in the Amazon Rainforest. What awaited us was a week of river swimming (for some of us anyway...not steve) canoe trips (sore arms), visits to the Shaman, night walks in the jungle, 3 hour treks wading through jungle swamps, fishing for pirahnas, sunset watching, bird watching, monkey frolicking, night caiman hunting, anaconda hunting, ant eating FUN.
Anacondas seen: 3
Pirahnas caught: Steve - 1 (red pirahna the most feared and critically respected of all the fish)
Monkeys seen; lots
caiman wrestled: more than you could shake a stick at
mosquito bites: gareth - 26 everyone else - slightly less
steve´s nosquitos trousers dont work
we saw other snakes too like the amazon tree boa, the snail eater and two types of sloth and macaws and toucans and PINK RIVER DOLPHINS UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL and an ELECTRIC EEL and a caiman RIGHT UNDER OUR SLEEPING HUT, several tarantulas above beds (christened Billy Bob), rice and soup EVERY FUCKING DAY GLORIOUS I SAY GLORIOUS, awesome guides, Luis: the Latino Dom Joly and Juan: eyes like a demon.
Friends made: lots
Rainstorms: one, got soaked
hammocks relaxed in: numerous
percentage of sadness upon leaving: 100
so we´re back in Quito. Heading to a place called Mindo tomorrow for rafting, biking and most important of all cloud forest canopying. Then the great journey south begins as we wave goodbye to master kitchener the first and make the jump from Ecuador to Peru.
"City hands mister Hooper. City hands. You´ve been counting money all your life."
CHAU!
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