CHIMPANZEE THAT MONKEY NEWS (part 2)

Pilkington; Right, ok. So, we went on this trek right. To...Machu Picchu. 4 days. In a tent.
Gervais; Right...
Merchant; And how do you feel about staying in tents Karl? I know you had an uncle who made you sleep in a rubber dinghy before, how does this compare?
Pilkington; .....er.....not that bothered really. I´d prefer to sleep in a house, but, like, when you´re asleep you´re not awake are you? So you don´t know where you´re sleeping.
Gervais; [HIGH PITCHED CACKLING LAUGHTER] When you´re asleep you don´t know where you are ahahahahahaha!
Merchant; so...you´re in a tent at night. you´re fine with that. what other potential problems did camping present to you Karl?
Pilkington; uuuuuuuuuuum....well....the outdoors.
Gervais; WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Pilkington; y´know like being outside.
Gervais; what the fuck do you mean you little round headed fool?
Pilkington; there´s rocks and stuff knockin´about. thats about it. just not that bothered really. rather stay at home.
Gervais; you´d rather stay at home? you went to Peru but you´d rather stay at home? they have one of the most diverse geographical landscapes of any country...the andes, the amazon, desert, a huge incredible ecosystem. what a twat.
Merchant; did you see any insects? listeners will of course know that Karl is particularly interested with insects.
Pilkington; uuuuuum....there was a dead moth in me shoe.
Gervais; ahahahahaha so you did a lot of hiking then!
Pilkington; well....but...like...I felt really sad. Because it´d obviously gone in there when I was like....not wearing them...then I put them on and killed it. So this hiking is dangerous.
Gervais; DANGEROUS! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Merchant; maybe it died of a heart attack, Rick.
Gervais; maybe it was the altitude.
Pilkington; but it is really high isnt it?
Gervais; it was a joke. get on with the fucking monkey news.
Pilkington; alright, so, the reason we did this one, this company, was because, like i say, not that bothered about the outdoors, and like, when you´re outdoors, you don´t get to eat food.
Gervais; Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean?
Pilkington; Like, there´s no electric is there? So you can´t get a good pie, or just pop down the shops for a twix or summit.
Gervais; oh my god what an idiot...
Merchant; no no let him finish rick, what´s your point Karl?
Pilkington; So this one we did, this hike, offered really good food. It had this good reputation for having the best food in the mountains. So me and Susanne were like, alright...
Gervais; Right.
Merchant; and how was the food, karl?
Pilkington; it was alright. Lots of fruit. Lots of bananas.
Gervais; ahahahahaha
Merchant: oooh ok. I see.
Gervais: hahahaha
Merchant: But it´s not a monkey thing surely? Because he´d have eaten them all.
Pilkington: and we had this banana on fire too.
Gervais: what do you mean a banana on fire?
Pilkington: this banana came out and it was on fire but it wasn´t burning. I don´t really understand.
Merchant: You mean a flambe?
Pilkington: maybe i dunno, it was just an unburnt banana on fire.
Gervais: What a little tit.
Pilkington: But like, this really good banana food kept coming out. And everyone in the group was like "can we see the chef and congratulate him?" and the guide was like "nah, best not bother him, he´s alright."
Merchant: Oh of course.
Pilkington: And we were like "but all this fruit´s so good, can we leave him a tip?" And they said "nah leave him. He´s shy. The little guy doesn´t like the attention."
Merchant; But again Karl, this couldn´t possibly be a monkey thing because you know that there are no monkeys in the Andes.
Pilkington: Yeah but, we didnt see him anyway. The whole time. Except when we went to bed, a little way away near the food tent, there was this hairy fella jumping around on some rocks.
Gervais; NO! NO! NO! You´re making it up! How did this monkey cook? How? You´re talking shit!
Pilkington: So anyway, we were on the bus on the way back from Machu Picchu, and this other couple said that early in the morning, before breakfast, they wanted some water.
Merchant: Right.
Pilkington;: So they´d gone to the food tent...
Gervais: Bullshit.
Pilkington: And there was a little monkey wearing a chefs hat knockin´about in there making scrambled egg.
Gervais: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Merchant: Again, Karl, you understand that a monkey could not cook scrambled eggs?
Gervais: And even if it could...you´re fussy about what you eat anyway...how would YOU feel about eating eggs prepared by a monkey? Which apparently has evolved to grow apposable thumbs.
Pilkington: They said it wore gloves and a hair net.
Gervais: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What, a full body hair net. You´re full of shit Karl! Shut up! Its bollocks!